Tis the season to be jolly?

If you take offense on people criticizing Christmas please feel free to stop now.

Mother that goes for you too and yes “I love my childhood memories of Christmas” and no “I won’t ruin Christmas for your grandsons.”

Someone asked me last week if I thought there was any holiday in the world more ridiculous than Christmas. I don’t know why I did this -but I hesitated for a couple of minutes before saying (quite optimistically if I must add) – yes! a more ridiculous holiday is Valentine’s Day.

To that person I owe an apology.

No Sir, there is really not a more ridiculous holiday than Christmas.

In order for me to comply during December and join in the season to be jolly - I would need to get rid of these 6 items first:

1. Forced Shopping and Shoppers. Don’t get me wrong I love shopping but not on queue. December shopping it’s like a punishment to me, not only insane amounts of money get spent in gifts we don’t even know will be appreciated by our loved ones, but also being in the company of other frantic women - like I - puts me on an edge, along with the moody cashiers wearing Santa hats and wishing me a very distrustful “happy holiday” when they hand me back my card.

2. Fake Santas. They are confusing to my kids and confusing to me too and don’t even get me started on SantaCon, who the fuck came up with that stupid tradition? I swear it bothers me so much to see these idiots dressed up in Santa attires smelling like Jack Daniels at 8 am in the morning that I don’t even feel like spending a second googling the stupid answer.

3. Christmas songs. The eternal holiday songs that won't stop playing and not only we have to endure them each visit to the pharmacy and supermarket but we also have to listen to our kids come back from school singing them - thus leaving us unable to shut them off our minds - when we lie in bed each night. 

Thank you Mariah Carey.*

4. Christmas cards. The Christmas Create-a-Card sent out in the mail made with the Sears portrait of the family. This is just embarrassing. People, do you really think your friends won’t toss you? Keep it real and stop wasting good money on printing. Save it for your kid’s college.

5. The insane crime against millions of Christmas trees because people still believe that they need the pine scent in order to feel the holiday in all its splendor. Go buy an artificial tree to reuse year after year and get a good aromatic candle.

Because come New Year’s you will break normal people’s hearts - while we witness all the dead trees sitting on the sidewalk - waiting to be taken to the dump.

6. Christmas office parties. After a long day at work people really don't want to hang with the same people they’ve been dealing with all day, especially their bosses.

Then there is the excess drinking that drives Peter to tell Paula that she’s not so nice to him at the office but that he likes her nevertheless. Peter get a grip, before you know it Monday will be here and you’ll spend a whole year trying to avoid Paula in the coffee station.

* On the twelfth day of Christmas

my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree


12 drummers drumming, seven swans swimming, three french hens...?

Enough said.